Picture a hot, sunny desert-like plain rich in red clay and asphalt with small, shoebox shaped houses tightly bound across the surface. In the midst of this setting - there is one shoebox that sits above all others. And by "above" I do not mean quality. The "grassy lawn" surrounding this shoebox is thick with small budding cedar trees, luscious crab grass, and unidentifiable milkweed-typed cacti growing in the shapes of small Christmas trees. In the midst of the "lawn" there are very large, brown, bastard spiders running wild and free amongst the luscious weeds and its nourishing canine shit. Black widow spiders have come in search of peace and quiet, june bugs, and empty cigarette butt-filled flower pots to drape their homes. It’s a harmonious little woodland to all the most hideous creatures of the world.
What the F you say? Its been a long week and I've just come home to the yard from hell. My lawnmower broke about 2 months ago and my once crap-hole, grassless yard has become a huge jungle of weeds. My neighbors drive by yelling obscenities and throw trash at me. I've become the crazy lady down the street, with my unkempt yard, a house full of dirty animals and minimal sitings of me outside the humble abode. They wonder…."what is that crazy lady doing in her house? Is it true that she's running a meth lab?"
About a month ago I hired an Elvis impersonator to mow it - but he charged too much money and gave me a small lecture on letting my grass get too out of control, so I've been hesitant to call him. Last week I was on vacation and when I got back I realized black widow spiders were living on my front porch and some crazy new weeds are sprouting up in the front yard. The aphids and beetles have completely eaten all the bushes and trees in the back yard. Its reached maximum trashiness. I'm certain my neighbors hate me. Where is my tall handsome man-servent when I need him?
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