No More Visits to the Crack House Kids

I have, just now, finally mowed my yard. This was a stupendous feat for me – given its current condition and my ginormous fear of the big dirty spiders that like to lurk in the tall grasses. My dad loaned me one of his spare mowers (he has a thing about collecting them). Its funny because this mower has some serious horsepower compared to my old Yardman and I nearly took out a bush and ran the thing off into the road a few times it was so powerful. My “self propelled” button on the old one barely got the thing in motion. My dad’s mower could quite possible pull a sled. So an hour and a half after I begin, I have the lawn short, the edges trimmed, and the big milkweed cacti removed. I have a giant, manly sized blister on the palm of my hand to remind me not to wait so long to take care of my yard again. My yard is, once again, halfway presentable. It no longer looks like the home of a crack ho.

I also sprayed down the black widow on the front porch. I was too afraid to step on it (I have this fear that it will eject a web onto the soul of my foot as I move towards it – swing around just before the stomp, and run up into my pant leg. I know it’s just sitting there plotting my murder as I stare it down – trying to figure out the best way to dispose of it. Luckily I found this bug spray that will squirt out a fairly good stream of pure poison from distances of up to 6 feet away. I can keep a safe distance and destroy the bastard in one fell swoop. As I sprayed him down, he ran up into a crack – but I sprayed the crack for a solid 10 minutes. I feel confident I’ll have a dead black widow carcass on my stoop in the morning. Dirty mother %&*@!!!….

Cool thing is – apparently one cure for a burned out, grassless yard is to just let it run wild for a few months. Lots of weeds and shit growing in there, but hell, its green, I’ll take it. Uncool thing – I discovered a wasp’s nest on my side garage door. Apparently it’s been there awhile cause it’s about the size of a downtown condo building. I have no idea how to dispose of these little nasties – other then pour gasoline on them and set em on fire. This might be a bad idea, though, me not having any fire protection coverage and all. I guess I’ll have to think of something else.

Goodnight kids!