More Proof of the Evil Nature of Spiders

Check this photo out.... What is the tiny little barely visible black dot, you wonder? Well, let me tell you friend... this little black beastie is a black widow spider. Yes, a real one. Where was this phot taken? My back patio.
As you know, I have arachnaphobic tendancies bordering on the insane . This morning, when I was outside making sure my dog didn't fly away in the tornado-like winds we were experiencing at 5:30am, I noticed this little bastard trying to make a run for my back door. I guess he had been de-homed in the winds and he was making his way for the warmth and secure setting that is my house. I, of course, welcomed him with the bottom of my shoe that I scrambled to find in my un-used gym back next to the dining room table. How dare he? Isn't it winter? Aren't the little f**kers supposed to be dead? or in some underground fortress beginning their winter hibernation ceremonies with the devil himself?

Doggy Bling

So here's one of life's greatest mysteries, in my opinion... Doggy clothes. I was at Target not too long ago and noticed they had quite an extensive collection of doggy clothing and accessories. For example, there is a little "Bling Dog Tee" in hot pink. AAhhhhh, and then there is the Leopard Print Doggy PJs. And just in case all those boy dogs are feeling left out (you know how sensitive boys can be...), there is doggy suit. There is everything from your average sweater, to pink shiny raincoats, to denim jackets (you know acid washed is coming back, right?), and lets not forget to get them their tiaras, tutus, and pearl neckaces... Swim trunks, fringe shit, Issac Mizrahi designer dresses, crocheted sweaters, smoking jackets, if you don't belive me - check it out for yourself!!

Have I died and woken up in doggy hell? Because thats exactly where my dog would feel like she was living if I bought her something so hideous. She gets pissed when I even suggest putting a bandana around her neck. So, okay, I remember once when I was a kid I put a doll dress on my cat and put her in the front yard to see what she would do. She rolled over and played dead. How could a person subject their animal to such complete and utter humiliation? I'm outraged!! Okay, so maybe occasionally you throw something fun on for a halloween party. I mean, hey, everyone is doing it so its cool. But damn doggy lingerie? And people actually think I need a hobby. Please, America, lets work together on not becoming so freakin frightening.

My New Addiction

I have a new addiction. A new way to totally waste a day at work. The Onion. I've visited the site before when friends have pointed out various articles, but I've never really spent much time reading through some of the archives and browsing the merchandise. Its beautiful. It really speaks to me. Sarcastic wisdom at its finest. LOVE IT. Some of my favorite articles include "Area Woman Emotionally Invested in Jennifer Anniston's Well-being" and "Action Figures Set Cubicles Apart."

The former summarizes our society's ridiculous obsession with Hollywood. The latter is a fav because I feel like I am the subject of of this article. My coworker (next cube over) and I share a wall that is covered in tiny fuzzy chickens, mini rubber ducks, sticky frogs, a bendable Uncle Sam and frog, a Lucky Cat from Japan (via Epcot), a lucky ceramic frog from Hawaii, an arrowhead shaped like a buffalo, and a ceramic, bejeweled snowman. No shit. I'm not lying. I'd show a picture if it weren't for the fact that one might recognize my office and figure out my oohhh soo secret identify. Course, you see one sterile cubicle, you've seen them all.

In addition to my cubicle figurines, I have decorated the walls with postcards, photographs, posters, magazine cut-outs, bullshit training certificates, tiki voodoo-like totem heads with feather sprouts coming out of the top, a limestone core sample, some unprovenienced artifacts (which can be found in any archaeologist's office), a sugar flower that came off some gross store-bought cookie, and, of course, about 45 sticky notes holding thoughts that can't seem to stay in my brain. This is both an attempt to decorate our boring grey lives and a contest to see who can tacky it up the most before getting busted by facilities management. So far - no one has really said much. I even have a calendar of half naked native Hawaiian guys under my desk - taped to the inside lower wall. Its my little half-assed secret. My friend Peter has a similar calendar sporting some hotty Hawaiian ladies. This is just what a corporate office needs, more half naked people. I think I might suggest that at our next staff meeting.

So in the meantime, check out The Onion if you haven't already.

A Link to Me

Someone found the link to my blog by surfing up "Stupid Vol Fans."

How rude.

Oh yeah, and I finally got some comments on my blog - and it was spam.

sigh...

For only One Thousand Dollars....

Today me and one my co-workers were looking up topsoil for sale online and we found this website that had a little bit of everything for sale.

We were cruising through the pics of pets and came across this sphinx for sale for a thousand bucks (not the same as the photo to the left - but just as hideously ugly).

Why would someone pay $1000 for a wrinklied, raw, rat-like looking creature that looks like this? It reminds me of my dog when I first found her on the side of the road - all mangy, pink and full of scabs. I paid $700 to make her not look like that anymore...

It kinda makes me uncomfortable, like that feeling you get when looking at your friend's newborn baby - who isn't very cute, but you have to pretend it is. It makes me want to sew a tiny little fur coat so that it won't be embarrased in front of his animal friends. He actually looks like Mr. Furley from Three's Company. Wait, he's starting to grow on me.... Ew. Just goes to show you money really doesn't buy good taste.

People never cease to amaze me.

Its My Lucky Day...

I just found a 5 leaf clover in my backyard when I was grilling. I think this means I'm going to have extra good luck or make lots and lots of money or something. Or perhaps that a leprechaun may jump out of my ass (ouch). Umm...I'll take the cash, thanks.

Look...Its real! I swear I didn't glue a tiny little leaf in the center.

Lucky in Love Sounds Good to Me

So I am back from a weekend camping trip with some friends. I had a really great time (in spite of the fact that I have chiggers, I branded my neck with a marshmallow poker, and it poured down rain on us all last night=). We went for a 12 mile hike (or was it 15?) and ate lots and lots of food that is bad for you. I discovered the joys of grey meat and the drawbacks from eating marshmallows for every meal (grasshoppers do add protein, but its still not advisable). Oh yeah, and I'm a total cheater at trivial pursuit. I also met a suicidal stick bug. Excellent fun. It’s good to spend time with friends.

When I came home tonight, I got some interesting information from my Daily AOL horoscope, too:

It might be easy for you to make more money these days, but this isn't about any sort of get-rich-quick scheme. It's just that people in power are going to be more inclined to favor you over others. Love is not full of surprises now. Rather, you get what you deserve and you can count on what you receive as being the real thing.

What an amazing horoscope! First, the whole lucky at work thing sounds great. Who doesn’t want to be make more money and be favored. But the best part of this horoscope is what it says about love. I have had a bad go at love lately. Most recently – I have had my heart broken. Not so much broken as crushed – the kind of hurt that leaves you feeling alone when you are in a room full of people. I fell for this guy who had become my friend– only to later come to terms with the fact that he never really liked me and that he was in love with someone else. I wasn't even mad – given the circumstances. All I could do is say goodbye and wish him the best because I want him to be happy even if it means that I have to walk away forever. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is. Talk about tragic Lifetime television for women (bleh). Its easier when you can just punch them in the stomach, call them a son of a bitch and walk away with a smile. Love can really complicate things sometimes.

Back to the horoscope, though, cuz it sounds like my luck is going to change =) I especially like the part about how it says I deserve it. Perhaps Mr. Fantastic is right around the corner. Maybe its cute parking lot guy... That would be excellent… Or maybe horoscopes are full of crap. Either way, it never hurts to keep an open mind.

Hope everyone has a great week!